Excerpt from a Gchat conversation on February 5th

me: you know
I should go to sleep
'm tired enough that I probably can't get any useful work done
but I want to talk
but I have nothing to talk about
oh being a teenager is so difficult

Fluffy: it's true
so many trials

me: man but so many things that you know are dumb are really important to you
and you can't turn it off
how stupid

Fluffy: what?

me: oh I don't know
I care a lot about things that I don't think I should
or that it would be easier not to care about
but I can't help caring about them
I'd make a literary reference here but that would be pretentious

Fluffy: go for it

me: oh
well like
raskolnikov
tries really hard to be this rational human
'stepping over' obstacles because he is extraordinary
but he can't
he can't put aside his feelings
he can't be a truly logical and rational person
and I can't either
not that I want to go around murdering people with axes
but I can't
I can't remove the ... silliness from my personality
silliness isn't exactly what I mean

Fluffy: do you want to give an example?

me: sure
so whenever I use the downstairs bathroom
I weigh myself
because the scale's there and why not
and the other day I misread the scale
so I thought I'd lost five pounds
which was weird and surprising
but also made me really happy

Fluffy: probably unhealthy

me: then I reread it and was like
oh no wait you're just dumb you are the same weight you've been for the past year shucks
and I was kind of bummed
and like honestly?
I don't need to lose five pounds
I really don't
I generally like my body etc
but if I think about it

Fluffy: you don't really have five pounds to spare

me: well I mean
sure I do
but not the point
like
I'd like to be 5-10 pounds lighter than I am
I think it's stupid that I do
and I'm aware of a lot of the factors influencing said desire
but I can't do anything about not wanting it
and that's frustrating

Fluffy: I'm sorry

me: I mean
I just have to accept it or whatever
but it's annoying

Fluffy: I feel like I should say something encouraging or helpful, but I don't really know what

me: I'd like to be perfect you know?
or at least better
but that's not going to happen
I should just accept my human frailties and move on or something
there are some other examples I could give but they wouldn't really add anything
but you don't find yourself struggling with this?
I feel like it's a constant battle for me--I dunno kind of mind over matter or something equally dumb
controlling my bestial instincts with my human logic
but not exactly that